Where did this year disappear to? One on hand it has seemed like the longest year ever, on the other it can’t have gone by so quickly. And October. Oh, October…I knew you were going to be difficult, but only 5 days into the month I can’t believe how unbearable you truly are. On October 4th, 2011 my parents celebrated their 25th wedding anniversary. On October 21st, 2011 my mother was gone. My daddy’s birthday is also in October, and I’d like nothing more than to be with him. Life keeps on lifing, though, and I can’t get away to NM until the early part of next year.
I go back and forth between accepting my grieving process and where I am in it and then feeling as if I’m emotionally stunted–like I should be so much farther in this, and I shouldn’t be hurting so badly. There are still days where I’ll think about her and it hurts so badly I can’t breathe. It still feels like someone has punched me in the chest. Should that pain still be so tangible almost a year later? I don’t know. I just know that it hasn’t gotten any easier. I just guess the episodes of mind-numbing heartache have longer periods of “normalcy” in between them. And maybe that’s all that will happen. It will always hurt. I know I will always miss her, but maybe it won’t take my breath away so often.
I also know that I miss her. I miss her so badly. I want to talk to her, and it crushes me to know I will never be able to hug her again, never hear her tell me she loves me, she will never call me “baby” again. I know she was always so proud of me…regardless of what I was doing, even when I was being a total idiot, she knew I would be strong enough and smart enough to pull myself up and make it right. She was proud and always made sure I knew it. I hope through all of this she’d still be proud of me.
Yeah… almost a year and a half later. A very long, eventful, hard, interesting, and rewarding year and a half. Never would have thought it’d take me this long to finish this, and I never in a million years could have predicted the events that took place over that time.
That being said, here’s a picture of myself (so what if it was taken at Easter).
This is me and bff June. I feel like at the end of the photo challenge I’m in a pretty good place. I have a good job that I enjoy, a great group of friends, I love my family, and I’m moving through this whole grieving thing. I really can’t complain about anything. God is good, and I am blessed.
I’ve been thinking a lot about writing lately…journaling, actually. I’ve done it a little bit, but I had the notion to revisit my blog today. Then I realized I never finished my Photo Challenge. On day 27, lo and behold the topic is a picture of me and and a family member.
The picture is of my mom and me. It’s not the greatest one of her, it was on one of her “bad days”. I’m sure I’ll post some of her later on, but this is the only one I have of the two of us.
On October 21st, my mother took her own life. When I was 19, my father did the same. At 34 years old, I have no living parents, and they both chose how and when they were going to die. I go through various emotions every other 5 mins, and I’m sure that I’ll be doing this for sometime. I’m prepared for that. 15 years after my father died, I still ask questions, and I wasn’t even that close to him.
My mom, on the other hand, is almost impossible to process. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve said as an adult “I want my mommy” and really meant it. I can safely say right now, I want my mommy, and I can never have her again. The fact that she didn’t just die, she left, makes that realization that much harder.
Regardless of all that, my mama was an amazing woman. She had her struggles, she battled her demons, and sometimes she could drive you insane, but when she was HER…I don’t know a more wonderful person. She was compassionate, and passionate, and creative, and loved harder than I’ve ever known anyone to love. And most of all… I miss her. I miss her, and I just want her back.