Yeah… almost a year and a half later. A very long, eventful, hard, interesting, and rewarding year and a half. Never would have thought it’d take me this long to finish this, and I never in a million years could have predicted the events that took place over that time.
That being said, here’s a picture of myself (so what if it was taken at Easter).
This is me and bff June. I feel like at the end of the photo challenge I’m in a pretty good place. I have a good job that I enjoy, a great group of friends, I love my family, and I’m moving through this whole grieving thing. I really can’t complain about anything. God is good, and I am blessed.
I’ve been thinking a lot about writing lately…journaling, actually. I’ve done it a little bit, but I had the notion to revisit my blog today. Then I realized I never finished my Photo Challenge. On day 27, lo and behold the topic is a picture of me and and a family member.
The picture is of my mom and me. It’s not the greatest one of her, it was on one of her “bad days”. I’m sure I’ll post some of her later on, but this is the only one I have of the two of us.
On October 21st, my mother took her own life. When I was 19, my father did the same. At 34 years old, I have no living parents, and they both chose how and when they were going to die. I go through various emotions every other 5 mins, and I’m sure that I’ll be doing this for sometime. I’m prepared for that. 15 years after my father died, I still ask questions, and I wasn’t even that close to him.
My mom, on the other hand, is almost impossible to process. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve said as an adult “I want my mommy” and really meant it. I can safely say right now, I want my mommy, and I can never have her again. The fact that she didn’t just die, she left, makes that realization that much harder.
Regardless of all that, my mama was an amazing woman. She had her struggles, she battled her demons, and sometimes she could drive you insane, but when she was HER…I don’t know a more wonderful person. She was compassionate, and passionate, and creative, and loved harder than I’ve ever known anyone to love. And most of all… I miss her. I miss her, and I just want her back.
Not a something, but a someone. I love Jesus. I could spend a ridiculous amount of time explaining why. Words will fail miserably. The abridged version goes something like this:
He saved my marriage. He saved my family. He saved my life. I am nothing without him.
Lately, I have walked a very fine line. I love Jesus, and I live my life loving him. However, I am very conscious of pushing people away because I love him. I want the very opposite. I want people to see what I have and want that, because they see that love in action, not because I shove it down their throats. Sometimes, though, I wonder if I stifle too much, because I’m afraid of turning people off to him. That is not to say I bend on my beliefs, I just wonder sometimes where the balance should be. Something I’m working on–I’m sure he’s gonna let me know what’s up. 🙂 In the meantime, the simple fact of the matter is… I love him.
Day 09 – A picture of the person who has gotten you through the most:
I used this picture, because Trace is not a laugh-out-loud kind of guy. If something’s funny, you might get him to crack a smile. This picture is one of my favorites, because it captures him in a full belly laugh, and those are few and far between. It always makes me smile. (Hey, maybe I should have used this one for a later day…) Using my husband for this day was kind of a given, since he’s my “closest longest” guy. The irony is that he’s also the person that’s put me through the most. That being said, I couldn’t have gotten through or past some of those things with anyone else on the planet. Of this, I am sure. He is my rock, my voice of reason, my constant. He’s amazing. Love this guy.
Day 7 of the Challenge of Doomie-Doom: A picture of your most treasured item
As I’ve expressed before, I was very close to my grandparents. When my grandpa passed away, my grandmother gave me her wedding ring. I’ve been wearing it ever since. Of course, I have my own wedding ring, and I love it, but I choose to wear my grandmother’s as a symbol of love and perseverance. It’s a very simple and unassuming gold band, and most people would not even notice it; I notice it at least once a day. My grandparents went through some of the same struggles my husband and I have faced, and the fact they were able to work through it is an inspiration to me. They had 56 years together, and I can only hope that my husband and I can enjoy that much time with each other.