What Do I Do Now?

I don’t know what to do with my hands.
I don’t know what to do with my face.
I don’t know what to do with my heart.

I feel so lost and out of control.

Some things happen in your life that you just can’t wrap your head or your heart around. This is one of those things. Although I am now 39 years old, I can’t stop thinking the thought, “I am an orphan.”

When I was 19 years old, my biological father (who I had only met 3 years earlier) committed suicide.465791_129270637231923_88648518_o

My sweet mama took her own life on October 21, 2011.

On January 10, 2016 my daddy, the man who raised me and loved me with all he had from the day I became a part of his life, had a heart attack and died instantly.

I don’t know what to do with my hands.
I don’t know what to do with my face.
I don’t know what to do with my heart.

I feel so lost and out of control.

I know what scripture says. I know that God is a father to the fatherless (Psalm 68:5). I know He is Abba Father (Romans 8:15). I know that I am adopted by God into his family through faith in Christ Jesus (Galatians 3:26) I know that He is near to the broken hearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit (Psalm 34:18).

I know God’s promises, and I hold onto them daily, sometimes hourly. But right now…in this exact moment, I am broken hearted. I am crushed in spirit. I feel alone and fatherless, and so forlorn.

There are times in our walks, times in our trials and tribulations and tragedies, where we don’t find comfort in God’s words and promises. It happens to every single one of us that call ourselves followers of Christ. That is not to say they are not true. That is not to say that tomorrow they won’t fill my heart with joy and give me the strength I need to get out of bed, to take another step, or to actually get up and go to work. But that’s what faith is. Faith is holding on to the promises of God, whether we feel like it or not. We allow the feelings of pain, the feelings of grief and loss, and sometimes we do have feelings of hopelessness and despair, and that’s human and natural. God himself feels (John 11:35, Psalm 95:9-10), and He created us in His image with the ability to feel. Some of those feelings we sit with for awhile, because it’s healthy and we NEED to, and it’s just part of the journey. But those moments of hopelessness, I will not not hold onto those. They are not true. They are not what’s real, and faith is not letting my emotions drive my actions or control my life. Faith is confidence in what we hope for, and it gives us assurance about things we cannot see (Hebrews 11:1)

I know I am not an orphan. I know I am adopted in to the family of Christ, and I know that God does indeed father the fatherless…He is my Abba Father.  I am loved. I am treasured. I know these things, even when I do not feel them.

I don’t know what to do with my hands… I just may fold them in prayer. I just may hold them over my face as I despair in those moments when it feels as if I just can’t go on one more second with this pain. I just may hold them to the heavens and cry out to the God that is broken hearted for me and who promises to comfort me (2 Corinthians 1:3-4), who promises to never leave or forsake me (Deuteronomy 3:6). I just may put them to a keyboard and write.

I don’t know what to do with my face. I just may cry. I just may close my eyes and breathe in the life that still surrounds me and is such a gift every second. I may open my mouth and sing praises to my King, or I may wail in despair. I just may smile, even when I don’t feel like it (and I may not).

I don’t know what to do with my heart. It’s on its own program right now. So I will declare with my mouth and in faith that my heart is His, no matter what may come.

I feel lost and out of control, but the truth is that I am found and He is in control.

 

Nervous, apprehensive, anxious, and yes, a bit scared…

First off, I must say that 2008 was the worst year of my life. Hands down, the most horrible, awful, most difficult time of my life. If I could, I would block out Jan. 1st through Dec. 31st. That being said, given my present situation I would live through every excruciating second of 2008 if I could just not feel the fear I have right now.

About a month ago, my darling Kiana had an episode in which the left side of her face became paralyzed. She had no muscle control, couldn’t close her eye, couldn’t smile, it looked like she’d had a stroke, and it was the scariest most terrible feeling seeing my baby panicking and scared and not being able to do anything about it. Thankfully, after about half an hour everything went back to normal. Since then she’s been complaining about a ringing in her left ear. We’ve seen two doctors, one said that it sounds like a migraine, which don’t always cause pain. Migraines can be onset by stress, and when the incident happened it was on the way home from her grandpa’s family (they were very close) and we were 15 minutes into a plane ride.

To be on the safe side, we took her to get an MRI today. She did well, as well as an 8 year old can do sitting perfectly still for half an hour. We are anxiously awaiting the results, but in the meantime I am a twisted ball of emotions. I am a freak when it comes to researching things on the internet, and googling all the symptoms and reading all the possible diagnoses can freak out the most level-headed mother.

Now I am a faithful woman. I believe in the power of God, the power of prayer, and I know deep down that everything is going to be alright, but sitting at my daughter’s feet today while she was in all strapped down scared, just running through scenarios in my head has me so overwrought. I started thinking about things that could be wrong (syndromes, tumors, diseases) and all the things she would have to go through if something were wrong, and I don’t think I could seriously go through that. Seeing my children in pain and scared is something I do not handle well. I am a pillar of strength on the outside yet a sobbing hysterical basketcase on the inside. Then I actually let my mind go to a place where I asked what my life would be without Kiana, and it was the scariest most terrifying most unbearable thought I have ever had. She is one half of my heart, and I couldn’t live without her charm, her wit, her exuberant spirit, her brilliant smile, and compassionate heart, and I can’t even bear to imagine the possibility.

My heart goes out to every mother who has ever had a sick child, has ever playing this horrible waiting game. Your mind, the enemy, life, it can all make your head spin. I know in my heart of hearts that my God is bigger than anything I or anyone in my family is going through. I know that she is going to be okay, and I seek comfort in that, but I am only human, and sometimes I have my moments of fear.

I thank you for your prayers over my precious little Kiki. If you would, please say a word or two for me so I can stand strong for my daughter and for my family. They are my everything, and my life truly revolves around them.

Jeremiah 30:17 “For I will restore health unto you, and I will heal you of your wounds, saith the Lord.”

Jeremiah 33:6 “Behold, I will bring you health and cure, and I will cure you, and will reveal unto you the abundance of peace and truth.”

Matthew 18:19 “Again I say to you that if two of you agree on Earth concerning anything that they ask, it will be done for them by My Father in heaven.”