How is it October already?

Where did this year disappear to? One on hand it has seemed like the longest year ever, on the other it can’t have gone by so quickly. And October. Oh, October…I knew you were going to be difficult, but only 5 days into the month I can’t believe how unbearable you truly are. On October 4th, 2011 my parents celebrated their 25th wedding anniversary. On October 21st, 2011 my mother was gone. My daddy’s birthday is also in October, and I’d like nothing more than to be with him. Life keeps on lifing, though, and I can’t get away to NM until the early part of next year.

I go back and forth between accepting my grieving process and where I am in it and then feeling as if I’m emotionally stunted–like I should be so much farther in this, and I shouldn’t be hurting so badly. There are still days where I’ll think about her and it hurts so badly I can’t breathe. It still feels like someone has punched me in the chest. Should that pain still be so tangible almost a year later? I don’t know. I just know that it hasn’t gotten any easier. I just guess the episodes of mind-numbing heartache have longer periods of  “normalcy” in between them. And maybe that’s all that will happen. It will always hurt. I know I will always miss her, but maybe it won’t take my breath away so often.

I also know that I miss her. I miss her so badly. I want to talk to her, and it crushes me to know I will never be able to hug her again, never hear her tell me she loves me, she will never call me “baby” again. I know she was always so proud of me…regardless of what I was doing, even when I was being a total idiot, she knew I would be strong enough and smart enough to pull myself up and make it right. She was proud and always made sure I knew it. I hope through all of this she’d still be proud of me.

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My most treasured item…

Day 7 of the Challenge of Doomie-Doom: A picture of your most treasured item

Easy.

My grandmother's wedding ring

As I’ve expressed before, I was very close to my grandparents. When my grandpa passed away, my grandmother gave me her wedding ring. I’ve been wearing it ever since. Of course,  I have my own wedding ring, and I love it, but I choose to wear my grandmother’s as a symbol of love and perseverance. It’s a very simple and unassuming gold band, and most people would not even notice it; I notice it at least once a day. My grandparents went through some of the same struggles my husband and I have faced, and the fact they were able to work through it is an inspiration to me. They had 56 years together, and I can only hope that my husband and I can enjoy that much time with each other.

 

 

 

 

Our time is short…

and new beginnings are on the horizon. This has been the hardest 3 years of my adult life, and for as much as I complain about Tejas, it’s really not Tejas at all. It’s just all the “life” that has happened over this 3 years. Leaving here will be bittersweet, but I’m very excited for the new chapter to begin! We have just 2 weeks to go, and while some major components have fallen into place, there are still a million and one things to do. As hectic as it is to have our rotation fall in December, it’s rather nice to be able to have Christmas at the end of the whirlwind.
Soooo, for the sake of tradition I’ve compiled a list (I did this when leaving Hawaii, as shown here), a list of things I will definitely not miss about the Lonestar State, and another made up of all the things I will be very sad to leave.

Things I will NOT miss about Texas:
–The Weather… first and foremost, must be at the top of my list. Weather is highly overrated, and Texas has proven that to me. We are definitely outdoors people–beach, walks, camping, even just having coffee outside in the morning–but since we have lived here, we have become hermits (me, especially). Our first year here I looked at my kids one day and couldn’t believe how WHITE they were. They’ve always had golden tans and healthy glows. Even my brown husband has gotten super pale, and it’s rather depressing. The summers are just way too miserable to spend too much time in the sun. Plus, it’s ridiculously humid. So gross I have to keep the AC blasting, or I just can’t handle it. Winters are equally unbearable–cold, windy, yucky, bleh. I would rather just stay inside than deal with it. I’ll be honest, I love autumn around here–spring is also nice, but allergy season is brutal. Overall, Texas can just keep its weather. I really think this is what initially ruined things for me.
–Wasps. Hawaii had centipedes, TX has wasps. I found 12 nests under my deck the summer we moved here. They would dive bomb me as I cleaned the pool, keep me hostage at my back door (they liked to smack into it in groups of 5 or more), and we also have ginormous cicada-killers burrowing in various parts of the front and backyard. I’m deathly afraid of stinging, buzzing, flying things, and I’m pretty sure the wasps contributed to me staying inside.
–Texas drivers. Sorry guys, you really don’t know what the hell you’re doing on the road. You have traffic every day, why do you keep driving like traffic is a new concept? And weather! Come on, you have plenty of it–why haven’t you learned to drive in it? And for the love of God, please learn how to merge.
–Tex-Mex. Gross. I learned very early on that Mexican food is some kind of horrible amalgamation of southerners trying to make what they think is Mexican. Even the Mexicans have given in. Maybe I’m spoiled being from New Mexico and also from SoCal Mexican cuisine, but “green enchilada sauce” does not mean tomatillo sauce, corn does not belong in every single dish, and sour cream should be a garnish used sparingly in maybe a few dishes, not as a sauce thrown over tortillas or dumped atop everything on the menu. Blech.
–Living in the Cowboys’ backyard. It was bad enough when they were in Irving, but then they had to move to Arlington. While making fun of the Cowboys was enjoyable, I couldn’t get away from them ANYWHERE during football season. Plus, Cowboys fans are super sensitive. There are a lot of them you can’t even joke with, or they get totally butthurt. I’m thinking it’ll be a lot more fun to make fun of them when I’m far way. 😉

Things I will miss about Texas:
–Christian values. They are in the culture, they are part of life, and people are not ashamed or shy about them. Prayers before school/sports events, cheerleaders dancing to Christian music, teachers being able to share ideals with Christian undertones (without being obtrusive or proselytizing) and not be afraid that they will hung out to dry by parents or school boards. Town meetings or events start out with prayers. I love that it’s just a way of life. I understand that we’re heading to California, where the culture is the polar opposite. I will definitely miss not having to make excuses for my beliefs, but I’m thankful for the time and foundation my family has received.
–Schools. We were so luckily to be part of an awesome school system w/awesome teachers and parents. Plus, no state in the nation can beat music education in Texas. No budget cuts to deal with, no furlough days or early releases. Bus services still run, and the focus is simply on kids getting an education.
–Taco Cabana. Yes, even though I bitched about the Tex-Mex, tacos are awesome. Taco Bueno comes a close second, but Taco Cabana is my mecca. Fajita tacos, street tacos, breakfast tacos… all of it. No one does it the same, and I don’t know if I’m gonna function w/o them. The people that work there even know me. They know my orders, they know my car, they know my face. Yes, I realize I have a problem. I’m okay with that.
–MY FRIENDS. One of the best things about my time in Texas. My church family that we followed from Hawaii, Randy & Linda–our spiritual parents– I don’t know what we’re gonna do without you! Koa, Tom, Dee, Reed, Annette, Mike, Sandra, we will be pressed to find such a wonderful group of people. Truly our family, and it will be difficult to leave them. Amy and Cindy (and respective families), thank you for being two of the most loving and supportive friends a girl could ask for. <3
–Living so close to my Roswell family. I loved being able to be so close, especially with the health issues that have happened. Getting in my car and being able to be there in a few hours has been wonderful. 7 hours will soon translate into 16 hours, so I’m glad I took advantage of going home as often as I did.

Moving is never easy. I know there’ll be a big adjustment for all of us, and for as much as I joke/complain/whine I have loved the people and connections I made while living here. Texans are some of the nicest people on the planet. That being said, I know this move is the right one for us. I know that God has some amazing things planned for us, and I can’t wait to find out what they are.

Adios, y’all.

A memory I wanted to save

There’s a lunar eclipse tonight, and the news says that Hawaii is one of the best places to view it. I read this online and didn’t really think too much about it. My son however, remembered just as I was tucking him in. He is soooooooo excited, “Mom! I’ve never seen a lunar eclipse IN MY LIFE!” How can I not wake him up at 11 to take him outside and watch it? Never mind that his sister, who he desperately wants to share this moment with, NEEDS her full 10 hours of sleep or she’s unbearable. Never mind that mommy got to sleep at 2:30 last night and woke up at 6:15, and all she wants to do is pass out for at least 8 straight hours.

But the look on his face, and the excitement in his eyes, how can I say no?
My lovely little man, who will turn 9 next week. I catch myself looking at him and thinking, I have to enjoy him, he’s going to be grown up and gone before I know it. I already miss being able to pick him up and carry him. 9…where did the time go? So I will rouse myself, my ever inquisitive son and my unruly daughter in a few hours, and we will make an absolutely wonderful, unbeatable, exciting childhood memory, under the Hawaiian sky.

 

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And it was wonderful. I’m sure we were a sight–the three of us in jammies, sitting in lawn chairs in the driveway, but it was well worth it.