To all my Texan frendz…

Yes, it hurt me to write “frendz”.

Ahhhh, you all have put up with so much from me. Bitchin’, moanin’, complainin’, and hatin’ on your beloved state. Here’s the truth–I don’t hate Texas. I’m sorry all my misguided anger and frustration was poured out onto this place. I know how deep the loyalties lie, and how it cut you deeply for me to talk badly about the motherland.

I actually kind of secretly like Texas. Yes, the weather straight sucks, but past that, the schools are great (especially the music programs), the sense of community can’t be beat, I rather like living in the Bible Belt, and Texans are hands-down some of the best people in the world (and I’ve been all over the world, so I can say this with some confidence). In my defense, I’ve maintained that I don’t like Texas, but I have an affinity for Texans. 🙂

Truthfully, we all go through some rough times. I just happened to go through some while living in Texas. In my head (especially since I move around so much) I just naturally associate happenings with locations, and I just wanted out. I sat down yesterday and realized that I have a little over a year left here, and if I keep that mentality, it’s going to be a loooooong year. I made a little list of all the things that were good about where I’m at, and that list was a lot longer than the “bad” list, which really all consisted of past stuffs. Texas is, all in all, not a bad place to be. There’s no ocean (no, the Gulf doesn’t count), but I can live with that. 😀

So, I beseech you, Lone Star State–please accept my humble apologies. You don’t suck. I promise never to call you Tex-Ass again, and to all my lovely Texan friends (whether you were born here or got here as fast as you could) I’m sorry for insulting your lovely state.

That being said… I have never, nor will I ever, like the Dallas Cowboys.

Making an effort…

“A life devoted to things is a dead life, a stump; a God-shaped life is a flourishing tree.” Proverbs 11:28

Ahhhh… this life is so full of twists and turns, surprises and disappointments, but ultimately (and this is a truth I’ve recently grasped yet, again) it’s NOT ABOUT ME! I forgot this and made it about me for a while there, but thankfully, God is faithful and persistent, and I’ve been reminded. When I try to shape my life it’s often a mess… an unrecognizable, misshapen lump, but when I let God do what He does it’s always a thing of beauty. I may not always appreciate it right away, but there is always a purpose and a plan in what He lays out for us.

Nervous, apprehensive, anxious, and yes, a bit scared…

First off, I must say that 2008 was the worst year of my life. Hands down, the most horrible, awful, most difficult time of my life. If I could, I would block out Jan. 1st through Dec. 31st. That being said, given my present situation I would live through every excruciating second of 2008 if I could just not feel the fear I have right now.

About a month ago, my darling Kiana had an episode in which the left side of her face became paralyzed. She had no muscle control, couldn’t close her eye, couldn’t smile, it looked like she’d had a stroke, and it was the scariest most terrible feeling seeing my baby panicking and scared and not being able to do anything about it. Thankfully, after about half an hour everything went back to normal. Since then she’s been complaining about a ringing in her left ear. We’ve seen two doctors, one said that it sounds like a migraine, which don’t always cause pain. Migraines can be onset by stress, and when the incident happened it was on the way home from her grandpa’s family (they were very close) and we were 15 minutes into a plane ride.

To be on the safe side, we took her to get an MRI today. She did well, as well as an 8 year old can do sitting perfectly still for half an hour. We are anxiously awaiting the results, but in the meantime I am a twisted ball of emotions. I am a freak when it comes to researching things on the internet, and googling all the symptoms and reading all the possible diagnoses can freak out the most level-headed mother.

Now I am a faithful woman. I believe in the power of God, the power of prayer, and I know deep down that everything is going to be alright, but sitting at my daughter’s feet today while she was in all strapped down scared, just running through scenarios in my head has me so overwrought. I started thinking about things that could be wrong (syndromes, tumors, diseases) and all the things she would have to go through if something were wrong, and I don’t think I could seriously go through that. Seeing my children in pain and scared is something I do not handle well. I am a pillar of strength on the outside yet a sobbing hysterical basketcase on the inside. Then I actually let my mind go to a place where I asked what my life would be without Kiana, and it was the scariest most terrifying most unbearable thought I have ever had. She is one half of my heart, and I couldn’t live without her charm, her wit, her exuberant spirit, her brilliant smile, and compassionate heart, and I can’t even bear to imagine the possibility.

My heart goes out to every mother who has ever had a sick child, has ever playing this horrible waiting game. Your mind, the enemy, life, it can all make your head spin. I know in my heart of hearts that my God is bigger than anything I or anyone in my family is going through. I know that she is going to be okay, and I seek comfort in that, but I am only human, and sometimes I have my moments of fear.

I thank you for your prayers over my precious little Kiki. If you would, please say a word or two for me so I can stand strong for my daughter and for my family. They are my everything, and my life truly revolves around them.

Jeremiah 30:17 “For I will restore health unto you, and I will heal you of your wounds, saith the Lord.”

Jeremiah 33:6 “Behold, I will bring you health and cure, and I will cure you, and will reveal unto you the abundance of peace and truth.”

Matthew 18:19 “Again I say to you that if two of you agree on Earth concerning anything that they ask, it will be done for them by My Father in heaven.”

Meme

I wasn’t tagged, but this came off one of my favorite blogs, and well, I’m bored and I don’t feel like doing any of the things I should be doing. So…

My roommate and I once ~ filled our freezer with Benson and Hedges and Milky Ways

Never in my life have I ~ painted a house the colors I wanted.

High school was ~ one of those “do-overs” I’d like to have

When I am nervous ~ try not to have a panic attack

My hair ~ sucks. Bad hair days are the norm, and good hair days happen rarely.

When I was 5 ~ I realized that I was smarter than everyone else. 🙂

By this time next year ~ I will have at least one of my goals accomplished.

I have a hard time understanding ~ people who can’t put themselves in other’s shoes

You know I like you if ~ I talk to you.

My ideal breakfast is ~ a big one I did not make.

If you visit my hometown ~ the aliens will get you!
roswell alien

If you spend the night at my house ~ bring earplugs…I have lots of whiny dogs

My favourite blond is~
Reese

My favourite brunette is~ pretty close between this guy
Dave Matthews
and this guy
Trace

The animal I would like to see flying is~ 5 puppies in my backyard to their new homes!!!

I shouldn’t ~ obsess like I do.

Last night ~ I had some bizarre dreams.

I’ve been told I look like ~ my mom.

She’s so pretty! 🙂

If I could have any car it would be ~ a hybrid

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So there it is, if you want to do it feel free! I’d love to read your answers!