How is it October already?

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Where did this year disappear to? One on hand it has seemed like the longest year ever, on the other it can’t have gone by so quickly. And October. Oh, October…I knew you were going to be difficult, but only 5 days into the month I can’t believe how unbearable you truly are. On October 4th, 2011 my parents celebrated their 25th wedding anniversary. On October 21st, 2011 my mother was gone. My daddy’s birthday is also in October, and I’d like nothing more than to be with him. Life keeps on lifing, though, and I can’t get away to NM until the early part of next year.

I go back and forth between accepting my grieving process and where I am in it and then feeling as if I’m emotionally stunted–like I should be so much farther in this, and I shouldn’t be hurting so badly. There are still days where I’ll think about her and it hurts so badly I can’t breathe. It still feels like someone has punched me in the chest. Should that pain still be so tangible almost a year later? I don’t know. I just know that it hasn’t gotten any easier. I just guess the episodes of mind-numbing heartache have longer periods of  “normalcy” in between them. And maybe that’s all that will happen. It will always hurt. I know I will always miss her, but maybe it won’t take my breath away so often.

I also know that I miss her. I miss her so badly. I want to talk to her, and it crushes me to know I will never be able to hug her again, never hear her tell me she loves me, she will never call me “baby” again. I know she was always so proud of me…regardless of what I was doing, even when I was being a total idiot, she knew I would be strong enough and smart enough to pull myself up and make it right. She was proud and always made sure I knew it. I hope through all of this she’d still be proud of me.

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Author: kristinamarina

I’m just Kris, and this is just my blog. Kristina Marina is a pet name my dad gave to me when I was young, and since he’s one of my favorite people in this whole big world, I hold it near and dear to my heart. Who is Kris? Kris is a real person, going through real life with real problems and real trials, holding onto a real faith, making real decisions and sometimes real mistakes, looking all the while for real answers, often wondering why she’s so really blessed when she really doesn’t deserve it. She doesn’t sugar coat things, but also knows that God is bigger than anything this big bad world has to offer, and that, my friends, is the key to keeping it real. In short, Kris is just a real person loving a real God. Kris makes no promises of content– this site may be introspective, irrelevant, highly personal, funny, or even a bit ridiculous. She may wax poetic, share a slice of her world with you (or a whole darn plate). She may try to be philosophical, and while she may prove to be insightful, she never expects to be profound. She will always try to be encouraging, even if it’s just for herself. Life is too short to wallow in the negative, so while things may get rough (they usually do at some point), she will always try to see the sunshine through the rain, the forest for the trees, the rainbow at the end of the storm or whatever other idiom gives you the warm fuzzies. Kris isn’t really sure what identity this new blog will take, but that’s the fun part. And no, Kris does not usually speak of herself in the third person.

1,909 thoughts on “How is it October already?”

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