Nervous, apprehensive, anxious, and yes, a bit scared…

First off, I must say that 2008 was the worst year of my life. Hands down, the most horrible, awful, most difficult time of my life. If I could, I would block out Jan. 1st through Dec. 31st. That being said, given my present situation I would live through every excruciating second of 2008 if I could just not feel the fear I have right now.

About a month ago, my darling Kiana had an episode in which the left side of her face became paralyzed. She had no muscle control, couldn’t close her eye, couldn’t smile, it looked like she’d had a stroke, and it was the scariest most terrible feeling seeing my baby panicking and scared and not being able to do anything about it. Thankfully, after about half an hour everything went back to normal. Since then she’s been complaining about a ringing in her left ear. We’ve seen two doctors, one said that it sounds like a migraine, which don’t always cause pain. Migraines can be onset by stress, and when the incident happened it was on the way home from her grandpa’s family (they were very close) and we were 15 minutes into a plane ride.

To be on the safe side, we took her to get an MRI today. She did well, as well as an 8 year old can do sitting perfectly still for half an hour. We are anxiously awaiting the results, but in the meantime I am a twisted ball of emotions. I am a freak when it comes to researching things on the internet, and googling all the symptoms and reading all the possible diagnoses can freak out the most level-headed mother.

Now I am a faithful woman. I believe in the power of God, the power of prayer, and I know deep down that everything is going to be alright, but sitting at my daughter’s feet today while she was in all strapped down scared, just running through scenarios in my head has me so overwrought. I started thinking about things that could be wrong (syndromes, tumors, diseases) and all the things she would have to go through if something were wrong, and I don’t think I could seriously go through that. Seeing my children in pain and scared is something I do not handle well. I am a pillar of strength on the outside yet a sobbing hysterical basketcase on the inside. Then I actually let my mind go to a place where I asked what my life would be without Kiana, and it was the scariest most terrifying most unbearable thought I have ever had. She is one half of my heart, and I couldn’t live without her charm, her wit, her exuberant spirit, her brilliant smile, and compassionate heart, and I can’t even bear to imagine the possibility.

My heart goes out to every mother who has ever had a sick child, has ever playing this horrible waiting game. Your mind, the enemy, life, it can all make your head spin. I know in my heart of hearts that my God is bigger than anything I or anyone in my family is going through. I know that she is going to be okay, and I seek comfort in that, but I am only human, and sometimes I have my moments of fear.

I thank you for your prayers over my precious little Kiki. If you would, please say a word or two for me so I can stand strong for my daughter and for my family. They are my everything, and my life truly revolves around them.

Jeremiah 30:17 “For I will restore health unto you, and I will heal you of your wounds, saith the Lord.”

Jeremiah 33:6 “Behold, I will bring you health and cure, and I will cure you, and will reveal unto you the abundance of peace and truth.”

Matthew 18:19 “Again I say to you that if two of you agree on Earth concerning anything that they ask, it will be done for them by My Father in heaven.”