What Do I Do Now?

I don’t know what to do with my hands.
I don’t know what to do with my face.
I don’t know what to do with my heart.

I feel so lost and out of control.

Some things happen in your life that you just can’t wrap your head or your heart around. This is one of those things. Although I am now 39 years old, I can’t stop thinking the thought, “I am an orphan.”

When I was 19 years old, my biological father (who I had only met 3 years earlier) committed suicide.465791_129270637231923_88648518_o

My sweet mama took her own life on October 21, 2011.

On January 10, 2016 my daddy, the man who raised me and loved me with all he had from the day I became a part of his life, had a heart attack and died instantly.

I don’t know what to do with my hands.
I don’t know what to do with my face.
I don’t know what to do with my heart.

I feel so lost and out of control.

I know what scripture says. I know that God is a father to the fatherless (Psalm 68:5). I know He is Abba Father (Romans 8:15). I know that I am adopted by God into his family through faith in Christ Jesus (Galatians 3:26) I know that He is near to the broken hearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit (Psalm 34:18).

I know God’s promises, and I hold onto them daily, sometimes hourly. But right now…in this exact moment, I am broken hearted. I am crushed in spirit. I feel alone and fatherless, and so forlorn.

There are times in our walks, times in our trials and tribulations and tragedies, where we don’t find comfort in God’s words and promises. It happens to every single one of us that call ourselves followers of Christ. That is not to say they are not true. That is not to say that tomorrow they won’t fill my heart with joy and give me the strength I need to get out of bed, to take another step, or to actually get up and go to work. But that’s what faith is. Faith is holding on to the promises of God, whether we feel like it or not. We allow the feelings of pain, the feelings of grief and loss, and sometimes we do have feelings of hopelessness and despair, and that’s human and natural. God himself feels (John 11:35, Psalm 95:9-10), and He created us in His image with the ability to feel. Some of those feelings we sit with for awhile, because it’s healthy and we NEED to, and it’s just part of the journey. But those moments of hopelessness, I will not not hold onto those. They are not true. They are not what’s real, and faith is not letting my emotions drive my actions or control my life. Faith is confidence in what we hope for, and it gives us assurance about things we cannot see (Hebrews 11:1)

I know I am not an orphan. I know I am adopted in to the family of Christ, and I know that God does indeed father the fatherless…He is my Abba Father.  I am loved. I am treasured. I know these things, even when I do not feel them.

I don’t know what to do with my hands… I just may fold them in prayer. I just may hold them over my face as I despair in those moments when it feels as if I just can’t go on one more second with this pain. I just may hold them to the heavens and cry out to the God that is broken hearted for me and who promises to comfort me (2 Corinthians 1:3-4), who promises to never leave or forsake me (Deuteronomy 3:6). I just may put them to a keyboard and write.

I don’t know what to do with my face. I just may cry. I just may close my eyes and breathe in the life that still surrounds me and is such a gift every second. I may open my mouth and sing praises to my King, or I may wail in despair. I just may smile, even when I don’t feel like it (and I may not).

I don’t know what to do with my heart. It’s on its own program right now. So I will declare with my mouth and in faith that my heart is His, no matter what may come.

I feel lost and out of control, but the truth is that I am found and He is in control.

 

A Blog Revisited

I don’t even know where to begin!

It’s been a year and a half since I’ve written anything. I’ve thought about it often, but for some reason or another I’ve not actually made the leap. I think I’ve been afraid. Blogging is a personal and intimate thing that I haven’t really been open to lately…although I subconsciously I know I needed it, so I’ve been taking it out on my Facebook statuses. At any rate, I took the jump this morning, complete with a new look. Hope you like it!

So very much has happened in the last year and a half. Thankfully, all of it has been good (or worked out to be positive), but my life has definitely taken many turns. I’m hoping to post on a regular basis…life stuff, but also adding a few new categories on the site.

1 of the main life happenings have been me going back to school. After all my health challenges, I got turned on to alternative medicine and holistic health. I began taking herbal classes & have totally fallen in love with herbs and the whole world of holistic health and healing. In June, I’ll graduate as a Holistic Health Practitioner, which includes massage therapy. Herbalism and bodywork have absolutely changed my life! I’m so thankful I had the opportunity to go back to school and pursue a dream I never even knew I had. 🙂 I am no longer working at my previous job, and I’m working part-time (and totally self-employed) as a massage therapist, and it’s been truly amazing. It’s allowed me to be flexible and available with all of our other craziness going on (details in the following paragraph). I’m praying that someday being a full-time herbalist will pay the bills, but in the meantime I’ll continue growing herbs and making medicine and helping my friends and family and any one else who might come my way.

The second big announcement is that my family and another family will be planting a church this year! (Just a few small things going on. ;)) My husband will be retiring from the Marine Corps next year and stepping into full time ministry. We are beyond excited and I’ll admit it, a little anxious. Through all of our struggles and trials, I can honestly say I never ever expected our lives to be heading this way, but I can also clearly see God’s hand and protection through all of it! Just goes to show that He can and does use imperfect people if we’re only willing. (Because, let’s face it, we all know I’m super imperfect and wayyyy too snarky to be a pastor’s wife!)

Other updates, my tiny little kiddos that I started writing about are humungous amazingly talented and wonderful teenagers and along with my husband, they continue to be my biggest blessings. Stinkin’ love those guys.

I’m singing every single day, and I’m learning to play the banjo. Ha! Yes, the banjo. It makes me happy, and I love it. I believe the ukelele is going to be happening in the near future.

Anyway…I’ve been scared of writing, and I think that it’s something I need to and will be doing on more regular basis. I do hope you’ll check in with me every now and again. I’m planning on more music posts, some fun herb-y stuff (okay, probably a lot of fun herb-y stuff), and probably some inspirational-put-this-in-your-pocket-for-later nuggets. Because God is good, and life is wonderful no matter how difficult it may get. Much love and many blessings.

 

How is it October already?

Where did this year disappear to? One on hand it has seemed like the longest year ever, on the other it can’t have gone by so quickly. And October. Oh, October…I knew you were going to be difficult, but only 5 days into the month I can’t believe how unbearable you truly are. On October 4th, 2011 my parents celebrated their 25th wedding anniversary. On October 21st, 2011 my mother was gone. My daddy’s birthday is also in October, and I’d like nothing more than to be with him. Life keeps on lifing, though, and I can’t get away to NM until the early part of next year.

I go back and forth between accepting my grieving process and where I am in it and then feeling as if I’m emotionally stunted–like I should be so much farther in this, and I shouldn’t be hurting so badly. There are still days where I’ll think about her and it hurts so badly I can’t breathe. It still feels like someone has punched me in the chest. Should that pain still be so tangible almost a year later? I don’t know. I just know that it hasn’t gotten any easier. I just guess the episodes of mind-numbing heartache have longer periods of  “normalcy” in between them. And maybe that’s all that will happen. It will always hurt. I know I will always miss her, but maybe it won’t take my breath away so often.

I also know that I miss her. I miss her so badly. I want to talk to her, and it crushes me to know I will never be able to hug her again, never hear her tell me she loves me, she will never call me “baby” again. I know she was always so proud of me…regardless of what I was doing, even when I was being a total idiot, she knew I would be strong enough and smart enough to pull myself up and make it right. She was proud and always made sure I knew it. I hope through all of this she’d still be proud of me.

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Challenge of Doomy-Doom~FIN!

Yeah… almost a year and a half later. A very long, eventful, hard, interesting, and rewarding year and a half. Never would have thought it’d take me this long to finish this, and I never in a million years could have predicted the events that took place over that time.

That being said, here’s a picture of myself (so what if it was taken at Easter).

This is me and bff June. I feel like at the end of the photo challenge I’m in a pretty good place. I have a good job that I enjoy, a great group of friends, I love my family, and I’m moving through this whole grieving thing. I really can’t complain about anything. God is good, and I am blessed.

Peace out.

Someone(s) I miss

Ah.

 

So obvious. I’ll just post a picture without a story. You all get the idea.

And another person I miss real hard is my friend, Gwenny… We weathered our first deployment together, and even though we haven’t lived in the same place for 8-ish years, she remains one of my bestest friends. It’s one of those relationships where we may not talk for a really long time, but when we do catch up it’s like we were always around each other. We’ve gone through “stuff” together, and she’s totally been there for me even though we don’t live close.Gwen’s pretty much awesome, and I lurves her. Miss her lots.